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വേദന

പ്രണയിനി, നിന്റെ കണ്ണുകളിൽ
എന്നെ കാണുന്നതാണെൻ മരണം.
കാരണം നീ എന്നെ സ്നേഹിച്ചതുമില്ല,
എന്നാൽ സ്നേഹിക്കപ്പെടാൻ ആഗ്രഹിച്ചതുമില്ല.

ജീവിതം എന്ന് പറയുന്നത് എന്നും വേഗതക്കു വേണ്ടി വേവലാതി പൂണ്ടു നടന്ന യാത്ര മാത്രമല്ല എന്ന് മനസിനെ ബോധിപ്പിക്കേണ്ട സമയം വന്നിരിക്കുന്നു. ഇങ്ങനെ എത്ര നാൾ കിതപ്പടക്കാൻ ആവാതെ ഓടുവാൻ സാധിക്കും. പാതി വഴിയിൽ തളർന്നു വീണുപോയി പരാജയം മുഖത്തു നോക്കി ആർത്തു ചിരിക്കുന്നത് കാണുന്നതിനേക്കാൾ രണ്ടാമൻ ആയി ഓട്ടം അവസാനിപ്പിക്കാൻ മനസിനെ പാകപ്പെടുത്തി കഴിഞ്ഞു ഞാൻ. ഞാൻ മരണത്തെ ജയിച്ചു വന്നത് വൃഥാവിലാകില്ല. വീണുപോയി പോയിടത്തു നിന്നെണീറ്റു ഞാൻ ഓടി തുടങ്ങി. ആരെയും തോല്പിക്കാൻ അല്ല. സ്വയം തോൽക്കാതിരിക്കാൻ മാത്രം. ഒന്നും മാത്രം അറിയാം. ഞാൻ തോൽക്കരുതെന്നു ആഗ്രഹിക്കുന്ന ഒരുപാട് പേരുടെ പ്രാർഥന ഉണ്ട്. വീണു പോകാൻ എനിക്ക് അവകാശം ഇല്ല.

FOR THE GIRL WHO REJECTED ME

FOR THE GIRL WHO REJECTED ME

I know you are not fluent in Malayalam, neither am I fluent in in Hindi. So I am writing this in English for YOU. It’s only a matter of five minutes. It’s about YOU. 

I proposed YOU one day. I still remember how stressful it was for me, the moments mixed with anxiety, fear and guilt, whether it was the right way to do so. I was confident that it was the right thing for me to do, but was stressed by the way I have done it and the sleepless day and night before getting a reply.

All YOU could do was to shout at me in front of so many. I cried not because of the embarrassment but of the un-approvable fact that YOU rejected me. All those years I waited, done all purposeless things in the shade of that moment’s pain. Anyone in this world can easily say that it’s the most foolish thing to do in a person’s life. Many said, Move On. Finally one day I was happy to hear that that YOU married a person of your choice.

After my failed professional graduation studies, I got myself admitted to a B.A.programme and successfully completed it. I also started a new phase in my life with a clerical job in bank. The only thing that concerned me is that whether I got self-purified in the fire of sufferings and pains, due to one wrong decision of life. All I was doing was to whisper frequently, “Yes, I am OK, Move On”.

Another two years passed by. I was sincerely “MOVING ON” with my job far away from home, trying to evade from all thoughts. But one day, I was diagnosed with CANCER.  Even the doctor doesn’t have hope. But my loved ones around me weren’t ready to accept it. They took me to the best and only hopeful hospital in Kerala. Now I am continuing as an OUT-PATIENT there for more than one year. I believe that I will survive. Because like everyone out there, I will be having a destiny and a mission for this life, granted by almighty.

This is not a letter to get sympathy from YOU. It’s an attempt to tell these few things, which I always wished to share, face to face with YOU. But all my attempts to find YOU went in vain. Even your closest friends don’t want to share your communication address. You can always be proud and happy to have such loyal friends. Who knows what happens tomorrow? So I am keeping this letter here only in the hope that, One day if YOU want to know, what it’s all about, YOU find the right thing secured for YOU waiting for your touch to disclose. 

I don’t want your efforts and wishes to go in vain. Always remember, I loved you so much enough to let you go and your wishes were always above mine for me.

AFTER A RAINY DAY

AFTER A RAINY DAY

Once they asked me, why do you live to be an icon of failure? Why don’t you commit suicide? The question hunted me, not because I was fond of life. But the question came from the people whom I remarked ‘friends’ more than classmates in my professional degree classes.

It was a great struggle, more of a blind walk in the middle of all the years that followed, till I am awarded with a bachelor’s degree. Then to my surprise came a success in an all India P.G. entrance to Pondicherry central University. There I had classmates from all corners of the country; different cultures, different costumes, but everyone with a happy smile.

Then came the most wonderful moment; an intimation letter from SBI, a moment of happiness, a single true moment that dissolved those thousands of humiliating moments of failures, mental tortures, frustrations, avoidances from all loved ones. Finally covering all medical verifications, training sessions at SBLC Nungambakkam, I joined with huge expectations at Commercial Branch, Erode. 

But the period of failures is following me after every great success in the past. It was these feelings of failure after joining professional degree classes in the 32-nd best technical institution in the country that lead me to lose the most fruitful energetic 7 years of my life.

I fear those failures will continue. Should I resign the job? What will happen then? Surely I will be expelled out of home. Where to go? In such a situation, I must walk like those one third populations of the country through the streets; sleep under the lights provided by the road authority of the country. I will be participating in the fights between street dogs and man, for the left overs of my fellow two third population. This past Sunday afternoon I have seen women circulating food packets in the street. It’s positive. I can do that only if I remain with the two third.

This loneliness has evacuated the positive remains within me. Life can’t always be a tragedy. It must go to the other side, like tossing a coin. I can’t remain silent if I am burning inside like a pressure cooker. Yes, I got burst; I cried, but the only problem is I could have avoided it in public. Anyway physically it removed the irritations within the eyes and psychologically it removed the heaviness of mind for the past few days.

Now in this night waiting for another dawn, only remaining problem is loneliness. A time will come in future when some girl will love me too. It will be precious to spend time with her. Else I will be prey to this loneliness and to burst. But I must be careful like the great Charlie Chaplin; “I love walking in the rain that nobody can see me crying”; who made the world laugh without seeing him cry. A person to listen to you without any demands is all you must be gifted to face any challenge in life, cover it and fight your own way in life. You can be a good listener when a crisis comes for her also. I would love to listen to her.

Today I walked through the middle of rain. I don’t know why I remembered her. Events of the night of her rejection just surpassed me. I wanted to weep……it’s in the middle of the rain. But I didn’t weep. She just ignored me after that day. A moment’s impulsive behavior embarrassed me in front of others for long. I reached my room passing all the events once I cherished as the positively painful moments of my love life. 

But life is full of wonders. It makes us travel through the unknown paths and finally at different junctions it presents us with valuable gifts. May be it’s a reward to the sufferings and troubles faced by us till that moment; else an inspirational, motivating element to travel forward without ending the journey at the junction.

We will be happy receiving the gifts. It’s in the middle of a thousand sad moments, we realize such a single moment. Enjoy that moment to its maximum. As life can be felt as a boon by God Almighty only on such enjoyments. Else frustrations will grow on you like the blurting of mushrooms soon after a rain; at last covering every single view of the mud on which it grows. Let you not be covered in such a way that you remain invisible to those who love to be by your side at bad times.

God has gifted them to you in the name of ‘friends’. They came to your life only by choices made by them or you. They influence your life more than those who came to you by birth or blood relations. They have given their part of life, their time, without expecting back any reward. May be they are physically apart from us. But in this age of technology, their talks, their voices from soul is not far from us.

Anyway it can be a girl for a boy and vice versa. Whatever it is, the society still disapproves with the friendship of opposite genders. They believe and want others to believe that only love, never a friendship occurs between the opposite sexes. But how will that be true? I have friends. Once a girl from them felt love for me, but the strings of friendship, the easiness to talk about anything in this world, helped us to solve it amicably.

That girl, her identity is secure within me. Even after that she talks to me in the same pace; same advocating mood, like the moment we realized ourselves as friends. I strongly believe the effective positive criticisms on my behavior, my present ability and my dress codes were made by girls rather than boys. They never gave importance to what I will respond about a bad remark. But they were concerned about not making me feel bad.

They told it lightly, easily acceptable to me, but most effectively. Then how anyone can simply remark that opposite sex can only be lovers, husband-wife! There must be a door out, especially when the age of your long trips in life begins.

Now is the moment, when you begin to run rather than when you walked in the past. The movement of life is accelerating……!

The rain has stopped. I am dried under the fan. I am lying on the bed writing. It’s time to sleep. My eyes are already half closed. Let me sleep. Good Night.

COUPLE – MADE FOR EACH OTHER

COUPLE – MADE FOR EACH OTHER

       She was resting her head down on my chest for last few moments. Now she raised and asked with a light smile,

“Why are you so much tensed?  Come, hug me. “

       I obeyed her. She holded me to her chest like mother in my childhood days.

I felt relaxed, slowly, calming myself down. Then I got startled by her raising lub-dups. I asked her,

“Why are you so much tensed?  Come, Lie down on me. “

       She obeyed. After sometime I was hugged by her, and then she lied on me. It continued until the lub-dup of both stopped together by God’s grace. Then we were shifted to his home where there is no raising lub-dups’s.

       That’s what people said and wished us on our marriage; Made For Each Other …. !!

HER DEATH

HER DEATH

In your death, I met with the first

Failure of my soul; my life.

In the thoughts about you,

I have written the first lines

On death in my mind.

Knowing for sure that you will never return,

I waited in the hope of your return.

For all the smiles you had given me,

Make me cry today.

Today I remain cursing my tongue,

Which had always introduced you as my friend?

I am sure about this life long failure

That will haunt me;

I won’t be able to introduce you any more

As my lover, by holding you near to me.

You died …… ….. ….. …..

       Then my mind took its final breath … !